If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
