If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
