smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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