did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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