He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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