So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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