my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize