420 ftw
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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