remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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