i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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