I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
