I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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