I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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