Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I can't trust your balls anymore.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Two words: nipple clamps
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