Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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