do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
