really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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