when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
