I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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