I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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