I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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