my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
