dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
