google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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