I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
