we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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