Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
