All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Boobs speak an international language.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
