A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
