The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
