I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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