I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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