Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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