Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize