Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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