You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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