Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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