You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
