Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
