3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
