Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Randomize
