two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
