God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
