Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
