I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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