i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
