Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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