Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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