i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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