i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
