im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
