I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
