Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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