I could make wine with my vomit
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
