he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
