Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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