Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
