I wish I could punch you in the face.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I FOUND THE LEGS
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
