There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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