I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
